Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
