3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
