There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
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Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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