oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Everything about him screamed your future.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
