Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
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