i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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