just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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