Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
