My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
