Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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