he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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