he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Randomize
