the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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