so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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