you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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