She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
