your room smells of hookers.
And success
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
