Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
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