I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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