I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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