This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
