Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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