my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
