I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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