I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
