If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
