I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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