I'm gonna have a badass scar
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I just had sex on a roof
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
