In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
