Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
