I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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