I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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