the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
