I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
