Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
