I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize
