why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
