I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
You're a waste of cheezeits
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
