do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
