Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
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EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
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I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
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