I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Randomize
