I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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