so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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