New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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