i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
