Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
