You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
