yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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