Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Randomize
