A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
