Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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