Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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