Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
