Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
And then the night went full on bisexual.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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