i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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